I was analyzing the emotion love. I was thinking deeply about it and gaining feedback from articles written by psychologists and feedback from people online.
I am a deep thinker. If I get a topic on my mind my thoughts can consume my thinking process.
The job in itself does not bother me. I love my job and feel like it is my niche. It is the external crap in life that I get hooked on and it interferes with any job I have.
So to specifically target EMS and say that particular job is not right for me is a wrongful assumption. The issue is not job-related whatsoever
It is not your job to determine if EMS is right for me or not. If I feel it is right for me, then I will pursue it.
That is one of the most selfish things I have seen on this forum. Because you "feel" something is right, you will do it? What if you are not the right person for the job? What do feelings have to do with whether or not you are a competent provider? Where do your patients come into play? Based on what you have said in your posts, you life is completely controlled by feelings and emotions. EMS is a stressful job, and that being controlled so completely by feelings and emotions that they evoke such a strong response in you at times is very dangerous for you, your partner, and your patients. The patients deserve the best care possible. Is it OK to jeopardize patient care because you feel like EMS is right for you, when in fact it is not? Let me say it again; EMS is NOT about you. It is about your patients. Do you think you can provide adequate care when you are in that emotional state? Even if it happens infrequently, it is still a risk. What would have happened if you were the only unit available when you were having your breakdown and a cardiac arrest call or critical trauma went out? Would those people have died because you were overly emotional from "analyzing the emotion of love" and thus unable to respond? At that point you can "feel" you are the best EMS provider in the world, but the reality is you are not.
EMS requires a level of mental and emotional maturity that not everyone has. It does not mean you are a bad person. It just means that it is possible the job is not for you. EMS is a stressful job, and the stress does not lessen the more experience you have. While clinical decisions may be easier with experience, there will always be emotional trauma involved with EMS. With the depression, alcoholism, PTSD, and even suicide attempts that are becoming increasingly prevalent in this field, you need to take a long hard look at whether you are qualified for the job mentally and emotionally, irregardless of how you feel. There is a big difference between having the head knowledge to work EMS and being a qualified provider. Especially given the source of the breakdown, you need a moment of self reflection here. It was not like you had a horrific call or found out a loved one had died unexpectedly. Please, for the sake of you, your partners and your patients, seek out a qualified mental health professional and seek guidance from him or her.