MissTrishEMTB08
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Hi. My name is Trish, Ill be 20 years old on the 30th. I got my EMT license a couple months ago and havent been able to get a job. My apostrophe or quotation key doesnt work right now so Im not clueless as to what they are. Im currently in Medic school, about halfway through.
I am the cursed student. I never get anything good, a station could have a code every day for two weeks prior and the day that I get there they wont have a single call. At the hospital we always have a slow day with no patients.
Yesterday we were doing 16 hours at the hospital. Our clinical instructor dropped the ball so we have to pull doubles to get all our clinical time done on time. Yesterday everything changed.
I had my first ever code.
THe woman wasnt my critical patient. My critical patient was an 84 year old man with CHF struggiling to take every breathe. I was sure that I was going to see a code, because I was sure HE was going to code. My classmate had her. She was a 51 year old woman with a sudden on set of difficulty breathing while moving furniture. I watched her stabilize and then went to check on my patient and check in some rescues that came in. Suddenly, not five minutes later my insturctor was calling me back in.
I came in to see CPR and intubation in progress on that 51 year old. I had never done CPR before so I was excited when they told me to jump up as soon as my classmate took a break. My hands shook putting my gloves on. Suddenly it was my turn and Im pumping away on her chest. My hand placement is wrong so they slide my hand over an inch. It feels squishy and I can feel her bones breaking. My arms are tired. I look up at my classmate Switch? So we switch, I grab the bag and he takes compressions. Im bagging now. 1...2...3...4...5 bag. 1..2...3..4..5 bag. Meanwhile I hear the nurses joking with the doctor and I cant help but think This woman is dying! How can you joke? Her eyes are half open and fixed on the ceiling. I knew in the back of my mind. They push epi, atropine, more epi, more atropine. A student nurse jumps in to take over compressions and gives my classmate a rest. Im still bagging...1..2..3..4..5. bag. The doctor asks Does anyone else know of anything we can try? Another nurse yells out shock her just to see! But the doctor sighs and calls the time of death. \47 pm Tuesday August 5th, 2008. I dont know if Im supposed to stop suddenly so I bag once more and the nurses yell out Stop it! Its over!
My face goes red and Im fighting back tears. I was talking to this lady not too long beforehand. I turn around to throw out my gloves and lose it. My instructor tells me to go wash my face and well talk. I have just witnessed my first code, and lost my first patient. In the bathroom I grip the counter. I cry. I tell myself its ok. We did all we could. Im ok. Some people just die. But I dont believe it. I have a gnawing ache in the pit of my stomach that knots up as I hear anguished cries of the family.
Once I get out, Im ambushed by a group of the nurses telling me its ok, the first is the hardest, there was nothing left to do. They all tell me about their first, but I dont feel it was ok. A woman was dead. And 30 minutes later we were going to go have dinner like there wasnt a problem in the world.
We got out of the hospital at midnight. I came home, I tried to talk to my mom about it, she doesnt understand what it felt like, to have this womans life dangling in your hands, while youre listening to jokes from the nurses and RT. To have been talking to this lady one minute and come in to see CPR in progress the next. She shrugs. You did your best and went to bed.
I couldnt get this womans face out of my head while I was trying to sleep. I couldnt help but think.. maybe if I hadnt of had to slide my hands over. Maybe if I had bagged faster... And her poor family. She was only 51. My mom is older than that.
How do you deal with it? Your first code? How do you get them out of your head and accept the fact their dead and you did all you could.
I am the cursed student. I never get anything good, a station could have a code every day for two weeks prior and the day that I get there they wont have a single call. At the hospital we always have a slow day with no patients.
Yesterday we were doing 16 hours at the hospital. Our clinical instructor dropped the ball so we have to pull doubles to get all our clinical time done on time. Yesterday everything changed.
I had my first ever code.
THe woman wasnt my critical patient. My critical patient was an 84 year old man with CHF struggiling to take every breathe. I was sure that I was going to see a code, because I was sure HE was going to code. My classmate had her. She was a 51 year old woman with a sudden on set of difficulty breathing while moving furniture. I watched her stabilize and then went to check on my patient and check in some rescues that came in. Suddenly, not five minutes later my insturctor was calling me back in.
I came in to see CPR and intubation in progress on that 51 year old. I had never done CPR before so I was excited when they told me to jump up as soon as my classmate took a break. My hands shook putting my gloves on. Suddenly it was my turn and Im pumping away on her chest. My hand placement is wrong so they slide my hand over an inch. It feels squishy and I can feel her bones breaking. My arms are tired. I look up at my classmate Switch? So we switch, I grab the bag and he takes compressions. Im bagging now. 1...2...3...4...5 bag. 1..2...3..4..5 bag. Meanwhile I hear the nurses joking with the doctor and I cant help but think This woman is dying! How can you joke? Her eyes are half open and fixed on the ceiling. I knew in the back of my mind. They push epi, atropine, more epi, more atropine. A student nurse jumps in to take over compressions and gives my classmate a rest. Im still bagging...1..2..3..4..5. bag. The doctor asks Does anyone else know of anything we can try? Another nurse yells out shock her just to see! But the doctor sighs and calls the time of death. \47 pm Tuesday August 5th, 2008. I dont know if Im supposed to stop suddenly so I bag once more and the nurses yell out Stop it! Its over!
My face goes red and Im fighting back tears. I was talking to this lady not too long beforehand. I turn around to throw out my gloves and lose it. My instructor tells me to go wash my face and well talk. I have just witnessed my first code, and lost my first patient. In the bathroom I grip the counter. I cry. I tell myself its ok. We did all we could. Im ok. Some people just die. But I dont believe it. I have a gnawing ache in the pit of my stomach that knots up as I hear anguished cries of the family.
Once I get out, Im ambushed by a group of the nurses telling me its ok, the first is the hardest, there was nothing left to do. They all tell me about their first, but I dont feel it was ok. A woman was dead. And 30 minutes later we were going to go have dinner like there wasnt a problem in the world.
We got out of the hospital at midnight. I came home, I tried to talk to my mom about it, she doesnt understand what it felt like, to have this womans life dangling in your hands, while youre listening to jokes from the nurses and RT. To have been talking to this lady one minute and come in to see CPR in progress the next. She shrugs. You did your best and went to bed.
I couldnt get this womans face out of my head while I was trying to sleep. I couldnt help but think.. maybe if I hadnt of had to slide my hands over. Maybe if I had bagged faster... And her poor family. She was only 51. My mom is older than that.
How do you deal with it? Your first code? How do you get them out of your head and accept the fact their dead and you did all you could.