What do you say?

[MedicPrincess]

I have had 4 DOA's in 2 shifts. So I am getting a bit of practice in the "I'm sorry to tell you there is nothing we can do. Your husband/wife/son/ect has died" line.

What do you guys say, when telling the family that their loved one has passed and there is nothing you can do (if you call it without working them) or have done all you can (if you call it after working them for a bit)?

The wife I told last night took it way harder than we thought. After I told her, and she let you this awful scream....stuff started flying my way. The SO guys on scene commented they have never seen a Medic bail out of a house as fast as I did (the impressive part was as I hauled butt out of the house, I didn't step in any of the pools of blood on the floor or porch! Managed to not mess up that crime scene at all)....nor have they ever seen someone take it as hard as she is.

My partner thinks the "Your ......insert relation here..... has died" is a bit harsh. Its the use of the died word.

Is there a "softer" way to tell someone the love of their life is dead?

 

[Ridryder911]

I usually say,..."I am so sorry, there is nothing further I can do"... or "it has been too long..".."he/she has passed away-gone" etc. I use more body language than anything. A hand on the shoulder, and asking if there is someone I can call.

I have seen about every type of emotion from giggling/crying to wailing, to displaced anger being called every name in the book.

R/r 911

 

[KEVD18]

its my personal experience that when people try to soften the blow or sugar coat it, the message gets blurred. its very difficult to misintrepret "im sorry to have to tell you, but your husband is dead". once they get that part, wheel in all the classic euphemisms you can remember, "gone to a better place" etc.

its never easy. as r/r said, body language is key. be direct. be empathetic. but dont bs.

 

[BossyCow]

I've used the 'We've done everything we can...' line and generally don't get much past that before the family understands. I have had to use the work 'died' once, but only because the man's grief didn't let him understand what I was telling him. We have support officers available to us for this time. We usually ask if we can call family or a clergyperson for the family.

 

[piranah]

well..i was always taught that you have to use died,dead,killed....because it makes for no misunderstandings... but i havent said that yet ..thank god...but its only a matter of time...

 

[BossyCow]

I've found that on scenes, when you stand up, leave the pt, call the doc, come back to the pt, tell your co-workers to start cleaning things up, the family generally gets the idea and is fairly prepared for what you are going to tell them.

We recently had a code where the spouse had such severe altzheimers that he couldn't tell us how long she had been down or what exactly happened. We gave him the sad news a few times, had a neighbor there and the sheriff (protocol in all home deaths) and he still wanted to get into his car and take her to the hospital because she needed help. That was a tough call because I knew them both before their health problems started. He just didn't understand. Very sad.

 

[MedicPrincess]

I've found that on scenes, when you stand up, leave the pt, call the doc, come back to the pt, tell your co-workers to start cleaning things up, the family generally gets the idea and is fairly prepared for what you are going to tell them.

Thats very interesting you say that. The one the other night that I mentioned with wife who lashed out at me.....I didn't initially say the "Theres nothing we can do line...."

She was standing there when we all got there. I asked if he had a DNR (Stage 3 Lung CA pt), she said No. One of the FF had started bagging him prior to our arrival, their AED was attached with no shock advised. As I threw our 4 ld on and got Asystole....got the other signs to call it without working it.....everyone gathered their stuff and walked away.

As I approached her and asked her his name, it had not occured to her the reason we were not doing anything is because there was nothing we could do. She asked, "Where did everyone go? He is okay then?" Thats when it hit me, she didn't get it.

 

[Aileana]

We had a death notification seminar here a while ago, and I found that very useful. I haven't had to do a notification yet since I'm just a student, but I can imagine that it will be the hardest thing to do. In the seminar, they emphasised that when doing notifications, we should use the words "dead, died, killed" etc., since terms like "passed on" may have different meanings in other cultures (as piranah has already mentioned). It seems a bit harsh, but I guess there's no "gentle" way to tell someone that their father/mother/child etc. has just died.

 

[MedicPrincess]

Well I am getting plenty of practice anyway. Had another one last shift. I've had so many DOA's recently, our MD will probably show up on scene pretty soon and we'll work it just to prove to him I know how :wacko::wacko:

Oh well...its another shift today....well see if it continues.

 

[So. IL Medic]

"He's dead, Jim!"

 

[So. IL Medic]

Seriously. There's no easy way, no tricks or techniques. Be straight and honest.

 

[firecoins]

I have seen medics add "its better he died at home surrounded by people he loves" for someone who died of a chronic disease at home. Doesn't work too well for people who die suddenly.