I have no purpose in life.
I'll just address this part.
People have varying experiences regarding how hard or easy the test is for them. Some people fail over and over again, yet they are awesome at a million other things in life. Some people pass the test easily on the first try and yet, have a very hard time throughout the rest of their career being able to connect with patients or coworkers.
The point is: the test is really just a test. Don't make it out to be anything more than that. If you have taken the class 4 times, you either need some specialized study attention and/or specialized testing attention, or maybe EMS just isn't for you, and you might be wonderfully amazing at some other career.
I understand how frustrating preparing for the NREMT can be; I had to take it just the same as you. I remember feeling at that one moment in life like it was far more important than I view it to be today.
In the end, long after the NREMT, my purpose in life is not defined by that test, the jobs it helped me get, the patients I treated or the things I accomplished. My purpose has more to do with my family, and connections shared with friends that I met along the way.
I would highly recommend speaking with a counselor/social worker about this situation that you are in right now. I have been in that position before (I was diagnosed with a genetic heart condition at the age of 32 about 6 months after I got married) and counseling was amazing. My perception was that I would go and someone would tell me how to fix my life. But, that's not at all what counseling does. It really just allows you to discuss your experiences with someone that's not personally involved, and allows you to bounce your own ideas off of someone else to get a different perspective of what is occurring. Right now, you are stuck in a mode where you are facing a road block that you keep hitting over and over again, and it could feel like that failure is the summary of your existence. You should speak with someone who can allow you to see how your existence is not defined by a singular moment or temporary failure.
Best of luck on your test. I hope you can find some relief from the temporary pain of your circumstance.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk