Enema Woman !!


Forum Ride Along
Yet another installment of Bill’s weird :censored::censored::censored::censored:-o-meter calls !! You just can’t make this stuff up, and I swear every bit of it is entirely true.

This call happened a couple of months ago, while working with a girl named Candi.

Anyhow, its Sunday Evening and we had just gone in service, and was heading down the road to our post for the evening.

“Dispatch to 386” says the radio…( 1st ominous sign that bad things are coming is when the dispatcher is giggling in the back ground, and you hear flat out laughter in the back ground )

So, it is with some hesitation that I pick up the hand mike….”386 ?”

“386, you are dispatched to the Pharmacy @ the corner of Walk, and Don’t Walk, for an unknown problem, man down, contact store manager for more information “ ( road names have been changed to protect the identity of the Patient, or should I say Moron )

So we arrive on scene, and walk in the front door, where we receive the 2nd ominous sign that things are going to be interesting. It has generally been my experience that most civilians love to “give you report” and use every stupid saying they ever heard while watching their favorite episode of “ER”, “Grey’s Anatomy” or any of a number of Hospital drama TV shows.

Well, the folks at the Pharmacy just wave, point to he back of the store, and say “ she’s in the bathroom….Good Luck !! “ oh, you know this is going to be bad !!

About an aisle or 2 from the bathroom, we hear this yelling coming from the bathroom…

“ Oh Lordy Jesus !! Get it out, GET IT OUT…Oh Lordy Jesus, Save me, GET IT OUT !! “ ( or what we call the O-L-J’s )

So I’m thinking what in the HELL is going on in there !!

I slowly open the door and peek in…you know scene safety ? And laying on the floor, in the middle of the bathroom, naked from the waist down is an approx 350 pound black lady. And ( just in case the naked, in the middle of the floor thing wasn’t bizarre enough ) is the box and wrappings for an Enema. So now I am inventorying the Enema apparatus….Box, Check…. Wrappers, Check….Bottle thingy with the fluid in it, Check….applicator tip ? applicator tip….anybody see the applicator tip ? please do not let that be what is stuck…..oh thank God there it is….Enema stuff is all present and accounted for. Oh, it should be noted that this whole time Candi is hiding behind me…thanks Candi, ‘preciate the help on that one !!

So, I walk on in, and squat / knell next to the lady and ask her what is wrong.

Enema Woman grabs my ankle and looks at me and yells…”GET IT OUT” Naturally my curiosity is peeked, and I got to know…”what do you need help getting out, and where is it stuck at ?” I had to ask…damn curiosity.

“THE TURD” she yells.

Well for those of you who know me I am seldom at a loss for words, but as I knelt there in the Bathroom of the Pharmacy, next to the naked 350-pound lady, with Enema paraphernalia all around me, I have to be honest, words escaped me.

Now, comes a different voice, a younger voice, and not the one of my partner, nor of Enema Woman.

“can you help her Mister, can you help my momma ? “


Enema Woman’s 15 year old mentally challenged son is in there with us, and has been the whole time !!

So I finally come to my senses…..”NO, I can not help you get the turd out”

Enema Woman then asks if I can give her the Enema….”absolutely not”, “ I can give you a ride to the Hospital”

Her : “ambulance rides are expensive”

Me : “yes they are, but I’m sure we can work things out !”

Her : “ are you sure you can’t get the turd out”

Me : “ yes I am sure” ( which really means “you want me to do WHAT ?” )

Her : “you can’t give me the Enema?”

Me : “outside my protocols Ma’am! “ ( means “HELL NO” )

Her : “What Can you do for me ?”

Me : “Give you a ride to the hospital”

Her : “can you help me back on the toilet”

Me : “Yes, I can do that”

Eventually the lady decides not to go to the hospital, we document the refusal; leave her sitting on the toilet. Contemplating the virtues of a fiber rich diet, and head on out the door.

Candi says : “you know we are coming back for her ?”

“Yup, but if we drive real fast and get to post, it will be somebody else’s problem !!”

Well about 3 minutes down the road, the radio comes to life…

“386” lots of laughter and carrying on in the back ground”

Candi mutters expletives under her breath, and starts to do a U turn, long before we actually answered the radio.

I pick up the hand mike, shake my head “386”

The dispatcher merely says, “ she wants to go to the hospital now” no address, no call type, no nada, we all know who wants to go to the hospital !

So back to the bathroom we go. Nothing can phase me, I know what to expect.

Holy :censored::censored::censored::censored:, there’s another Enema wrapper !!

“Candi, Vitals enroute, hell every thing enroute, we got to move fast on this one, if those enemas kick in during transport, we will never get the stink out the back of that truck !! “

So, the PT is loaded to the cot, and wheeled out to the ambulance, pass the manager who said..

“enemas are on the house “ (she didn’t even pay for them !! )

PT is loaded into the ambulance, and off to the ER we go.

Thank God her constipation was stronger than 2 enema’s, because we made it safe and sound to the ER.

Had a conversation about fiber, a balanced diet and the like on the way to the hospital. Can you believe she never even heard of dietary Fiber ?

Anyhow, the Nurse’s gave me some pretty filthy looks the next trip to the ER, apparently Enema Woman lasted about another 5 minute after I dropped her off !!

I’m not especially well received at the ER anymore, especially amongst the house keeping staff…I believe MT. Vesuvius and Exorcism were used to describe the events in that room when the enemas finally kicked in !!


Don't ever become an RN, cause then getting that turd out would be just one of your daily chores, bud!

I had a quad as a patient once. This happened to be when I was still a nursing student...

I hadn't ever had to disimpact anyone before, so he was a great teacher. Now then, I had to give him an enema, let it cook for 30 minutes, then come back and "finger scissors" it out. When I asked him about it, he told me that they usually just use 2 fingers. I didn't have the heart to tell him i had all but (no pun intended) my thumb in there. When I mentioned the finger scissors he said, " WHAT?!" all said and done there were 2 piles bigger than 2 softballs in the bucket. Finally had to stop digging cause he started bleeding.


I see dead people
I had a similar run over the summer. The little old man was really upset that we couldn't "dislodge" things for him. He proceeded to tell us how he had tried to "dig" it out with his own finger but only got "a little tiny pebble" out. Luckily, it was my partner's turn for pt care, so I drove us to the ER.

After we dropped the pt off, my partner told me about how the pt broke out the ziplock baggie with the evidence in it and gave a play-by-play of the events. My partner said the patient was acting as if he was holding a bagful of gold when he pulled it out of his jacket pocket.


Forum Crew Member
Unkown Medical

Well Let's Start that I work in low income heavily populated area of North NJ. I am narrating the whole call because I am not sure how to explain it otherwise so bear with me:ph34r:
Dispatch to 701 "Respond to 17 ****** For Unknown Medical"
We Respond "701 to Dispatch any further information give"
Dispatch "Negative 701, caller state they are suffering from allergic reaction nature unknown"
Okie Dokie so we get to location, grab our bags, now tonight I am the Driver, so PT assessment is on me, now mind you, I have learned that nothing good ever come out of unknown medical as you all know. We get to the Apt, knock on the door a female in her 20's open the door, dressed in a spaghetti strap T-shirt and shorts&invite us in. We introduce ourselves, and walk in.
"How can we help you Miss?"
"I am having an allergic reaction, and I want you to give me something for it"
As she's talking me&my partner are observing her breathing and inspecting the visible area of her skin for sign of rash or irritated skin, Nothing!!!
"Well miss, how about you tell is what the problem is"
She sit down on the couch, light a cigarette and proceed to tell us that she's been itching and the area is really sore&inflamed.
"Well Miss what did you have to eat, are you on any new medication, have you been some place where maybe you got bitten by an insect?"
"No I am not on any meds, and I haven't been anywhere, just came out of the shower&i had some home pizza I had thousands of times"
"OK miss where exactly is the rash, your arms&legs seem to be fine?"
"Oh it's down there" And she point down her torso
I am looking at my partner and we both thinking, transport and let the ER deal with it "Ok miss are you ready to go?"
"Go where?"
"To the ER"
"I don't want to go to the hospital!!!"
"Well Miss we can not give you any meds, the Doctor at the ER can see you diagnose the problem and prescribe what ever meds u need if needed"
"I don't want to show my coochie to No Stranger!!!"
Now me & my partner are looking at each others, Well what hell are we???
"Miss they are professional medical staff and they are qualified to deal with any type of emergency"
"Well Can't you just take a look and tell me what it is?"
"Um Miss as you put it I am a stranger as well and even if I did I can not prescribe you any meds"
"Yea But you are here, why do I have to go see someone esle"
My partner looks at me and shake her watch, reminding me we been running like dogs since we got on duty and it is almost 3 am and she is doing a double.
Finally after some give&take we take her down to the truck it turn out she had an ingrown hair:wacko: That Was Her Medical Emergency


Forum Crew Member
Ohh wow. No stories yet, but I know since I busted out laughing reading these, I'm going to run into many similar stories...

Have to say, ready to take my NREMT in May :)


Community Leader Emeritus
Um, Waiter? Yess, could I please have the Nacho plate...extra guacamole and cheese, and...um...oh, yeah, don't forget lotsa sour cream. Do you think I could get some crisp bacon with that...Oh, four will be fine, but Crisp! And, well, a Malted sounds a little heavy to me so let's make it a Root Beer Float...WAIT! A side of onion rings with Bar-B-Cue sauce, too.

(What a waste of 666!)


hahaha Sasha looks a deviant pr0n.


Forum Crew Member
Ewwwwwww!!! I had to look at that :censored::censored::censored::censored: :-O


No one forced you to Google internet references that you don't know of.



Forum Crew Member
No one forced you too google references

Poor Kitty She will never be able to enjoy the web again ROFLMAO:lol:


Forum Deputy Chief
JP, I expect it from you, ya deviant.

But Sash.....




Forum Chief
What can I say, a girl has needs.


Forum Lieutenant
What if the enema was successful and she had bile all over herself and the floor what would be the standard operating procedure?


Forum Crew Member
Ummm U craped out grab the disinfecting wipe and start deconning your truck LMAO


Forum Crew Member
So I got one from my internship.

Dispatch: F***** Fire Dispatched to <insert address>, traumatic injury
FFire: Responding

Arrive on scene, it is just the ambulance as it is three in the morning. Dispatch gave us traumatic injury to the foot as our details in route. We pull up to this guy's house lights and sirens and then he walks down the stairs.

My B.S. detector hit a height never before seen. Then we ask whats going on. He starts yelling at us for taking too long. Then starts trying to chase the paramedic. Well that didn't turn out very well. Once they get him calmed down, we asked him what was going on. He says he stubbed his toe and it started to bleed, and it hurts really badly.

Well the paramedic gets his boots off and takes a look, and lo and behold, he has a slightly swollen toe with a small amount of blood.

Transport etc. Find out later that the guy decided three in the morning was a great time to have an emergency with an ingrown toenail and drag us out of bed.

Sorry if it isn't entertainiing, but it did suck.


Forum Crew Member
U think this bad check this out

I been doing EMS for close to 9 years, first time in my life I respond to 3 am call for :glare:medical unknown to find the chief complaint of our patient is Arthritis, that left me speechless