Anyone have any Emo Philps quotes to share? Yes, Tommy....

[mycrofft]

Anyone have any profound quotes to share? Yes, Tommy....

"He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites".
Next?

 

[mycrofft]

OK OK one more before I start my "day off"

“One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.”
Jack Handy

 

[Onceamedic]

I was sad because I had no shoes. Then I met a man with no feet. So I took his shoes - I mean, he wasn't using them anyway...
Jack Handy

 

[DigitalSoCal]

“If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting”
-Jack Handy

 

[mycrofft]

Well,not Emo but sorta medical

(From IMDB)
"M*A*S*H: Deal Me Out (#2.13)" (1973)
Hawkeye: Okay, moving right along now, dealer's choice, five card stud. Sidney, what's the psychiatric basis for gambling?
Dr. Sidney Freedman: Sex.
Hawkeye: Why?
Dr. Sidney Freedman: I don't know. They told me to say it. Sex is why we gamble, sex is why we drink, sex is why we give birth.
Hawkeye: Thank you, doctor.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: I'm taking a five-dollar chip. That was a house call.

 

[mycrofft]

Need this man for a partner, once a weak.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips

 

[willbeflight]

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

 

[Lifeguards For Life]

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

 

[Lifeguards For Life]

People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi.

 

[Lifeguards For Life]

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

 

[mycrofft]

This one has EMS AND "gun" aspects!

http://www.emophilips.com/by/191

PS: I find that people who don't "get" Emo Phillips are impatient superficial and too dam@ed literal.
Pass the soy sauce.