State Scraps EMS Program

[Carlos Danger]

NYS To Scrap Entire EMS Program

Officials in the New York State Department of Health have confirmed plans that they are scrapping the entire State’s EMS curriculum, training and education and will rebuild it.

“It’s broken beyond repair” stated a senior NYS DOH representative. “Our EMS training is archaic, and providers across the state are still practicing like it is 1975″, he went on to state.

The New York Department of Health conducted a randomized test of current Certified Laboratory Instructors (CLI) and Certified Instructor Coordinators (CIC) and found a significant number of them do not possess adequate knowledge of current medical practice or theory.

According to the DOH representative, “We wondered why the knowledge and skill set of new EMT’s and Paramedics has been steadily declining. It turns out the reason is that their instructors are idiots”.

“Many of New York’s EMS educators are in fact unskilled people with very little actual clinical experience, and who only repeat what they themselves were taught”, said DOH representatives. “They wouldn’t know an original thought if it bit them in the ***”, he said.

The state DOH plans to revamp the entire EMT and Paramedic curriculums, bringing them current with 21st Century medical knowledge. All current instructors will be expected to take and pass a rigorous training course or lose their certifications. Also, the DOH official confirmed they are taking an additional radical step: EMS instructors will be required to actually work on an ambulance and treat patients regularly to maintain their certification. “How can you teach people to be EMT’s when the last patient you ever treated died in 1992?” stated the DOH representative.

Officials also state New York State EMT protocols are being completely rewritten. They confirm that such previous standards of care, such as oxygen administration and spinal immobilization with rigid backboards will be essentially removed from protocols, and will require on-line medical control authorization to be used.

“We realize this may seem extreme, but our EMT’s and Paramedics are so brainwashed into using them when they are not indicated, the only way to break them of these bad habits will be to require them to have an order to be implemented.” said the DOH representative.

“New York has always been years behind the more progressive systems and states” said the DOH representative. “We have had indoor plumbing and electricity in New York for decades. It’s time our EMS system reached that level of sophistication.”

 

[mycrofft]

Whoa!

 

[chaz90]

Love this article. If only...

 

[AceBlueChip]

Wait, someone correct me if I'm wrong, but this piece is satire right?

 

[DrParasite]

well, it is from CalltheCops.net, which is the 27th most trusted source for public safety news...

 

[WoodyPN]

well, it is from CalltheCops.net, which is the 27th most trusted source for public safety news...

ABOUT CALL THE COPS
This site is a satire of the current state of Law Enforcement, Fire Fighting and Emergency Medical work. Stories posted here are not real and you should not assume them to have any basis in any real fact. More ...

 

[unleashedfury]

Wait, someone correct me if I'm wrong, but this piece is satire right?

100% correct,

The article may be correct too, I remember my EMT Basic instructor I swear they pulled him out of the closet and dusted him off just for us.

 

[SandpitMedic]

As I read this I was thinking "no way someone actually stepped up."
Then I saw the source. 100% make-believe.

There's another one on there about how POTUS referred to EMTs and Paramedics as "ambulance drivers" during the state of the union. Funny stuff.

 

[triemal04]

Everyone be honest...who here actually is the author behind that?

That site's great...especially when the "satire" pieces are actually accurate reflections of reality...

 

[NomadicMedic]

I wish it were me!

 

[Carlos Danger]

I've seen this site before but came across this actual piece on the FB page of a former co-worker of mine who lives in NYS.

Apparently he and several of his friends thought it was real....they were commenting back and forth about how they couldn't believe it and how awesome it was.....another guy tried to tell them it was fake and they verbally pummeled him for not "supporting needed change". It was funnier than the article itself.

 

[TheLocalMedic]

I love the bit about how "They wouldn't know an original idea if it bit them in the ***". Brilliant.

 

[MMiz]

Moved to EMS Humor.