I am worried about my husband

emtkelley

emtkelley

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A few months ago I posted about my husband's online gaming addiction.

During the summer, he was out of paramedic class for summer break. He is back in class and the gaming has not stopped. This has been a very tough summer for us due to the gaming and he promised me he would stop when class started. Being no stranger to addiction, I knew not to believe him and I silently waited to see him trip himself up.

I came home last week and caught him gaming while he was doing homework. He had two days to do the homework and he waited until the last minute, one hour before he had to leave to do it. To make things worse, it was the homework he was supposed to study off of for a cardiac rythmns test that evening. I was pissed and got upset with him. Told him he was going to blow everything he had worked for and he is in his final year. He has made the dean's list with 4.0 last year and I want to see him acheive that again this year. At this rate, I will be happy if he passes. Needless to say, he did poorly on the test. He likes to brag about how good he is to his fellow students and anyone who will listen and he is loosing his credibility fast.

My husband is an extremely smart person and his mind is being reduce to mush by this gaming crap. He goes to work and that's it. he makes a beeline for his "room" to play the game and doesn't come out until bedtime. I sit out in the living room by myself.

I was once in his class last year and I had to drop to get a second job to bring in more money to help with bills. This year, I wan't able to get back in because of low enrollment asn now I am fearful I may never make it back in, and I will be 44 in November. My husband is several years younger than I. I know his instructor (he was my instructor and is a great guy) and I am tempted to tell him about the addiction so he can maybe have a better handle on why my husband is not performing as well this year as he was and maybe speak with him about it. This is the third time my husband has attempted to get through his paramedic and if he fails, he will hate himself.

I know in the end, it is my husband who will decide which is more important to him, the gaming or class but I just wish there was something I could do. I am to the point of going in and deleting his character and taking the game out and detroying it, at the risk of him going into a rage. That is how much this gaming has ruined my life.

Any ideas?
 
I am sorry that you are having to deal with this. The number 1 thing to remember about someone's addicition is that you didn't cause it and you can't cure it.
One of the things that makes it difficult to be the spouse of someone with an addiction is that you become sick too. You spend more and more time focused on the addict and his/her problems and less and less time dealing with yourself. I can't emphasize this strongly enough. It is not your business to talk to his instructor. You have enough problems dealing with yourself. You need to take care of yourself. That means getting yourself into the position where you need to be. Why are you taking care of the bills? This makes you a classic enabler. If he's not pulling his weight, why are you carrying him? Why have you sacrificed your own education ? Where will you be when he finally crashes and burns ? I don't mean to be harsh but I am speaking from painful experience.
By the way, I am 49 years old and in paramedic school. I graduate next May. It is never too late.
Good luck to you.
 
I agree with Kaisu. If you go into the game and trash his character, you are acting like his mother, not his wife. What will it teach him about needing self control if you control his behavior for him.

All you can do is determine for yourself what is the limit of what you will put up with in his behavior and then creating a plan for what you will do if he does not live within that limit.

If you take away the 'gaming' part of the equation and simply look at his behavior, what do you see? You gave up your pursuit of education for his third attempt at it. You are working to provide him with an education that based on his actions is not very important to him. If it were important, he would be working at it more. He lies to you and is throwing away an opportunity that you seem to be working at more than him.

If you are going to work for an education, shouldn't it be your own?
 
Hang in there Kelly, you are getting some good info from folks. By the way one is never too old to for school!! -_-
 
I have a friend that is a Paramedic Professor, and was recently divorced after 26 years of marriage due their spouses gambling addiction. Unfortunately, lost their home (which was due to be paid off this year) and destroyed all members of the family.

This is a horrible situation, and I wish you success in handling your dilemma.

Just remember to take care of yourself first, you will have to live with yourself. This is a decision that only he can make... hopefully, he will get professional help.

R/r 911
 
You all are right....and have given me insight I really hadn't thought of.

I have always been the proverbial doormat and the one who has given way too much and expected way too little in return. I have a lot of "relearning" to do but I can do it.

Although it pains me to watch him flush his education down the tubes, I will have to let him do it. Like any addict, they have to hit rock bottom before they decide whether they want to clean up or not. I just can't believe the hold this damn game has on him. Six weeks ago when my mom died, even that wasnt enough to make him step away long enough to give me support. He even played the day she died. He claimed it gave him "comfort". I sought online support through an Alzheimer's support forum while I was caregiver for my mom and was/am still helped greatly by it.

I won't say anything to his instructor. Where would I even begin anyway? I am his wife, not his mother. He may have to learn the hard way to accept responsibility. I know one thing, if he manages to skim by by the skin of his teeth, I feel sorry for his patients.

One of the guys he plays with is a good friend of his in the real world. This guys wife told me once that she learned to divorce herself from the whole ordeal and to carry on with her own life and not to rely on her husband any longer. Her husband is a wonderful provider and a good father when he is not playing the game but otherwise he is worthless as well. Ihave no use for him and I used to think a lot of him.

I often wondered when our age difference was maybe gong to be an issue and it seems as though it has now. We have different ideals and the no longer "mesh". I will be working towards my goals and will acheive them, with or without him beside me. And there may come a day when I will be faced with making a decision. I am just glad we don't have children together. It would just complicate things.

Thanks so much to everyone who replied and offered advice. I'm fortunate I can come here and receive help.
 
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I will be sending up good thoughts for you... (thats the politically correct way of saying I will pray for you)
 
Ditto.......~*~*~*~ -_-
 
Just an update: I joined an online support group the other day. Really found out a lot of thing I was doing that I needed to change, the biggest ones being I am making his life easier to game by doing his laundry and cooking his meals, ect. That is stopping, as of yesterday. He has time to play, he has time to tend to his dirty clothes and fixing his meals.

Also, I am signing up for a phlebotomy class to take while I wait for my paramedic class to begin again (if they can ever get enough to start another one up) so I can gain decent employment. I will keep both certs up so when I am too old to be a medic, I have phlebotomy to still do. I want to be totally self reliant so if something happens, I can take care of myself.

I so appreciate the prayers. It means more than you know. This has really been a time of loss for me and yet a time of growth as well. I am discovering that even though my heart is hurting, I am becoming stronger for it.
 
I used to be addicted to World of Warcraft. I spent more hours playing that game than I did working at times. I spent more hours in that game than I did with family, I spent more hours in that game than I did sleeping.

I met the love of my life, and I still spent more time in that game than I did her. My friend died and I spent even more time in that game to get my mind off of life.

In the end, I had to make a decision. Play a game that is ruining my life in the real world, OR Quit the game, take my life back, and find enjoyment in the things that truly matter.

Those things would be my new wife, my family, my friend, and my love for EMS.

I haven't looked back since I deleted my account and removed the game from my computer.

-fire219
 
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