Feel pretty lost

DragonClaw

Emergency Medical Texan
2,067
350
83
I don't know what it's been lately, but my stress has been through the roof.

I haven't done much, gotten out of bed much, it's been days since I've eaten or drank anything. I don't feel very hungry, but I'm feeling a little weak and fuzzy in my head.

Sleep like usual is horrible, usually me having to be exhausted in order to pass out for a couple hours.

I'm sure I look like dogsshit right now.

Every little thing has been weighing on me.

A-Z of stuff I can't seem to solve. Like my life before EMS was just a mirror of my future, but I get a uniform for a bit inbetween. Even if I don't deserve it.

Stress of not having enough work, time, money, fixes.

Needing to move again due to cost.

The relationship I've had for the past 8 months has been really rough and I can't seem to repair it or leave. It feels like abandoning your partner when I aught to have just taken care of my stuff better to be able to be stronger.

It's been a rollercoaster of life and I still doubt my ability to be a good medic if I get through school, much less a good EMT many times.

I feel like I've just got to dig deeper and look for a little more to go on, scrape the barrel. Squeeze by and barely live until something happens.

Family connections are strained.

I feel like I should know better than all of this, so It's really my doing. I'm an adult. I should be able to handle things.

I crane my neck to look for silver linings knowing if I got struck right by the lightning it wouldn't matter anymore, but do I care?

I'm supposed to care. Anyone I come in contact deserves a competent provider who can care for them. That's the responsibility. And I wonder how well I even do that. I can put on the uniform and it's like I'm able to step up for 24 hours at a time even if it feels like I'm being stabbed in my failures, regrets, the things I should have known, my weaknesses. They just shadow me and make me wonder if I'm just a liability. I ****ing dropped. Pt like my second week of Rideouts as a new basic.

I can't seem to move on from anything. I worry so much about the future. If I've got one here or anywhere.

I don't know what to do.

And tbh I feel like this doesn't belong here and neither do I. I don't feel mature or on par with most people on here.

I just don't know. Even if I got what I wanted, to be a 911 EMT, finish medic school and such, would that just be a curse on anyone who came in contact with me?

I feel like I just **** up anything I touch. And I can't learn to not touch.

I dunno. I'm sorry for clogging this place up so much when I really don't contribute like anything but googleable answers. I just don't know.
 

MMiz

I put the M in EMTLife
Community Leader
5,329
295
83
I'd reach out to your employer's Employee Assistance Program if they have one.

Good luck!
 

VentMonkey

Family Guy
5,390
4,606
113
If you think that the people in life, on here, wherever have not had to experience growth and maturity in spite of life’s ups and downs I don’t know what to tell you.

I feel like we’ve been down this road with you several times over in the past. I also think you really need to get help before seeking it through online strangers.

Maybe you’re just venting to vent, and that’s ok as well. What isn’t ok is asking for advice, then questioning it to death. Trying so hard to fit in it hurts.

Just because a group of people seem to fit in on an online board for sporadic moments at a time, in time, do you really believe that equates to social success?

Again, I get the troubles in life. I think most of us do, hence the relational “liking” of one another’s posts.

Sounds to me like you’re in your infancy of adulthood and you’ve gotta crawl before you can walk. I don’t think you’ve even begun to crawl yet. GL with stuff.
 

DrParasite

The fire extinguisher is not just for show
5,519
1,594
113
IIRC, you are young, single (meaning not married with no kids), new to EMS, with a very limited support structure in your life. Makes it hard, esp when you are out on your own.

Looks up the following term: Imposter Syndrome, and see if you see some similarities.

EAP is a great start; most employers offer it. You wouldn't be the first person to use their services, and you won't be the last, so def ask your HR what their process is.

I don't have any easy answers, because life doesn't provide easy answers. because life isn't easy. Many of us have been in similar situations before (don't feel like you fit in, feel like you are always screwing up, constantly stressed, etc), and it's normal. You might have a couple of additional hurdles, with the lack of a strong support structure in your life, but EAP would be a good place to start. You can also contact a psychologist/psychiatrist, or another mental health professional, as they might be able to give you some better advice.
 
OP
DragonClaw

DragonClaw

Emergency Medical Texan
2,067
350
83
IIRC, you are young, single (meaning not married with no kids), new to EMS, with a very limited support structure in your life. Makes it hard, esp when you are out on your own.

Looks up the following term: Imposter Syndrome, and see if you see some similarities.

EAP is a great start; most employers offer it. You wouldn't be the first person to use their services, and you won't be the last, so def ask your HR what their process is.

I don't have any easy answers, because life doesn't provide easy answers. because life isn't easy. Many of us have been in similar situations before (don't feel like you fit in, feel like you are always screwing up, constantly stressed, etc), and it's normal. You might have a couple of additional hurdles, with the lack of a strong support structure in your life, but EAP would be a good place to start. You can also contact a psychologist/psychiatrist, or another mental health professional, as they might be able to give you some better advice.

A buddy of mine referred to me a program called Give an Hour. Since my dad served, I'm eligible for it. I can get 6-8 free sessions of therapy. I find a person who fits my general needs. That should be enough sessions to figure out if we're a good fit. After that, I am back in my dad's insurance until I'm 27 or so or get my own and that place is in network. The insurance is pretty good.

I'll definitely do that.

I don't think I've got imposter syndrome, even though I fit part of the description, but I just have variable levels of self esteem.

I know I'm smart (not humble brag :( ) and while sometimes I think if I really was as smart as I am, things would be easier. But it's not. I'm not Einstein smart and he had issues too. Everyone does, regardless of intelligence or skills.

I also overthink am and highly critical of myself, afraid to fail. Yet my ambitions say I have to keep going and push through for results. And that you can never expect to coast on prior accomplishments, gotta constantly be putting in your own fuel to keep going.

Thank you
 

VentMonkey

Family Guy
5,390
4,606
113
Look up the following term: Imposter Syndrome, and see if you see some similarities.
I searched this up on the Googleies. Some pretty prominent figureheads have struggled with it. Sonia Sotomayor, Maya Angelou. Interesting.
 

NomadicMedic

Pot or Kettle? Unsure.
11,569
6,225
113
Almost every successful person had some level of imposter syndrome.

however, I didn’t think that’s the problem here.
 

CarSevenFour

Forum Crew Member
48
9
8
I'm from the old school, and I sympathize with you. Although our department offered gratis emergency assistance, we poo-pooed it as just another avenue for "them" to "make book" on us. I sincerely wish I had taken advantage of it. Asking for help from a professional would have been a lot better than what I went through alone. Newly divorced due to my black moods from shifts when the baby didn't make it, and a wife who refused to listen when I needed to vent, I felt alone and helpless. I was actually afraid to sleep; my nightmares were nothing short of horrific. I thought, "I've been doing this for 15 years and I can handle anything they throw at me." When it happened, it was something as innocuous as an episode of "Rescue 9-1-1" where they were doing infant CPR instructions via dispatch at Net-6 Fire Communications in Huntington Beach, CA, our sister agency. The last thing I remembered thinking was, "When was the last time I cried for someone? I don't feel anything anymore..." Then the tears came and I felt all the things I shoved down deep come out. That was about 3 in the afternoon. I woke up on the floor of the hallway of my house with my 4 cats snuggled all around and the oldest one licking my tears. It was 9 pm and I had no idea what had happened to me during those 6 hours, but I finally had a good cry for all the babies who passed and began writing like crazy, exploring my thoughts and what I felt. I eventually wrote an unpublished book and got help from a very good therapist on my own nickel. It wasn't nearly as uncomfortable as I thought it would be, talking to her. The day came quickly when she said, "You don't need me anymore." What you're feeling is normal for this job, get help and heal. I also turned to Jesus for help in my desperation and he came to me. He showed me the dark personal hell that would come with the suicide I was contemplating. My life took a 180-degree turn and I'm good with all of it now. Good luck to you, what you feel is part of the whole package we take on with this kind of work, and you don't need to go it alone.
 

Top