Airline humor

[bigbaldguy]

Thought I'd share a little humor from my day job as a flight attendant. I was working a flight the other day and as people were boarding a woman with two children walked up to me and the conversation went something like this.

Woman: that man has a cat with him and my children are allergic to cats I've had them tested. Your going to have to take him off the flight.

Me: well ma'am I understand your concerns but that's not a cat thats a service monkey.

Woman: well my children are allergic to monkeys too and they could die you'll have to take him off.

Me: ma'am are telling me you've had your children tested for monkey allergies? Do they come into contact with lots of monkeys?

Woman: don't get smart with me my children could go into ampalatic shock and die. Are you going to take him off.

Me: ma'am I understand your concerned but service animals always take
priority. If your children are truly allergic to the service animal your only option will be to take a later flight but we're the last flight of the day so that means you'll have to fly out tomorrow.

Woman: :censored: I have benadryl they'll be fine.

Ah the joys of customer service are the same no matter what line of work your in

 

[ffemt8978]

Hmmm....I think the next time I fly, I'm going to say I'm allergic to anyone under 18.

 

[bigbaldguy]

Hmmm....I think the next time I fly, I'm going to say I'm allergic to anyone under 18.

Now that's an allergy I could get behind.

It just occurred to me I should have posted this under the random thread sorry. Feel free to move it.

 

[JJR512]

Woman: don't get smart with me my children could go into ampalatic shock and die. Are you going to take him off.

Oh no...I wasn't instructed on ampalatic shock...I'll have to get in touch with my instructor to learn the signs and symptoms and proper treatments!

 

[MrBrown]

Captain Brown CPL, MEL, ATPL(c), BAv says sit down, buckle up and enjoy the ride.

Lets see, one one eight mike bravo checking on flight level three seven zero, we would like direct mike xray charlie to join J147 then as filed, pretty please?

 

[lightsandsirens5]

Hmmm....I think the next time I fly, I'm going to say I'm allergic to anyone under 18.

Ha ha ha! That's great! I might try it too. :-D

 

[bigbaldguy]

So I recently had a passenger on a flight who passed out every time we hit a few bumps and as near as I can tell they weren't faking. This passenger informed us before the flight pushed that this would happen and if it did everything was fine. Sure enough 5 or so times during the flight we hit a bump and out they went. In 15 years of flying I've never seen anything quite like. It was obvious they were also on fairly heavy anti anxiety meds as well so I can imagine what it would have been like if they hadn't been medicated. Flight landed and they walked off with no problems.

 

[MrBrown]

Hey you know how commercial airliners have a medical which the Captain is authorised to relase to medical type people, guess what, Brown is both the Captain and a medical type people!

 

[DrParasite]

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave maintenance crews to fix before the next flight.

(P) = Problem
(S) = Solution

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire.

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

(P) #2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(S) #2 propeller seepage normal - #1, #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.

(P) Something loose in cockpit.
(S) Something tightened in cockpit.

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(S) Volume set to more believable level.

(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(S) Live bugs on order.

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200fpm descent.
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on the ground.

(P) IFF inoperative.
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
(S) That's what they're there for.

(P) Number three engine missing.
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.

(P) Aircraft handles FUNNY.
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious.

(P) Target radar hums.
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500lbs.
S: Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300lbs.

P: Unfamiliar noise coming from No2 engine.
S: Engine run for three hours. Noise now familiar.

P: pilot's clock inoperative.
S: Wound clock.

P: Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.
S: Pilot removed from aircraft.

P: Turn and slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns.
S: Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!

P: Three roaches in cabin.
S: One roach killed, one wounded, one got away.

And the best one for last…
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

 

[ffemt8978]

P: Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.
S: Pilot removed from aircraft.

Okay, I actually LOL'd at that one.

 

[byoung57]

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave maintenance crews to fix before the next flight.

(P) = Problem
(S) = Solution

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire.

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

(P) #2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(S) #2 propeller seepage normal - #1, #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.

(P) Something loose in cockpit.
(S) Something tightened in cockpit.

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(S) Volume set to more believable level.

(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(S) Live bugs on order.

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200fpm descent.
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on the ground.

(P) IFF inoperative.
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
(S) That's what they're there for.

(P) Number three engine missing.
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.

(P) Aircraft handles FUNNY.
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious.

(P) Target radar hums.
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500lbs.
S: Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300lbs.

P: Unfamiliar noise coming from No2 engine.
S: Engine run for three hours. Noise now familiar.

P: pilot's clock inoperative.
S: Wound clock.

P: Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.
S: Pilot removed from aircraft.

P: Turn and slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns.
S: Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!

P: Three roaches in cabin.
S: One roach killed, one wounded, one got away.

And the best one for last…
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

That right there is funny...I don't care who you are!

 

[Martyn]

Try these:

http://stuffucanuse.com/airport/airport-announcement.htm

 

[johnrsemt]

Not airline

Martyn;

My student put us in the for the wait at a resturaunt under the name of "Fire". Good thing I asked before the we got called, because the hostess didn't catch it; and admitted that she would have called us over the PA as that. would have gotten a good table, but no one to serve us.

 

[Gray]

Okay, I actually LOL'd at that one.

So did I. I almost spit my ice coffee out.

 

[Fly-write]

Thanks for Sharing

BBG,

I thought I had heard all the airline/flying jokes to be heard. But not that one. There's just no competition for reality. It doesn't get any funnier.

Thanks for sharing it.

 

[bigbaldguy]

Since someone already bumped this thread I thought I'd add another airline story to it.

Lady comes on the plane with a big foam ice chest. I ask the lady if there is anything liquid in it (standard question for ice chest in case of leaks). She says no. Okie dokie. 2 hours into a 4 hours flight call lights start going off. I go to check it out and find blood dripping down through the panels over about 4 rows of passenger seats. It's everywhere and reeks of fish. I open the bin overhead and sure enough there is the ice chest on its side leaking. I pull it down open it up and it is packed FULL of fish heads. Apparently they had been frozen but then thawed and all the ooy gooy goodness came out. It got on peoples, luggage, jackets, everything. The lady refused to apologize or even acknowledge that anything had happened. So heres the funny party. The plane we were on was Shamu one which is a 737 painted to look like a killer whale (promotional thing with sea world). So for the next 3 flights when people came on the plane and immediately started complaining about the smell of fish I could look em right in the eye and tell em "Your in a whale of course it smells like fish".

 

[Captn' Tuddle]

I know this half retired paramedic (full retirement was too boring) who travels alot with his wife. Whenever he gets on a flight he lets the flight attendant know that he is a paramedic and is willing to help out if any medical emergencies happen durring the flight -- he gets a first class upgrade almost every time.

 

[MrBrown]

I know this half retired paramedic (full retirement was too boring) who travels alot with his wife. Whenever he gets on a flight he lets the flight attendant know that he is a paramedic and is willing to help out if any medical emergencies happen durring the flight -- he gets a first class upgrade almost every time.

Thats nice, Brown is sure all the whacker t shirt wearing whackers feel safer and that this guy gets the warm and fuzzies because of it.

Listen to Brown, Brown is a commercially trained pilot with in excess of 3,000 hours of commercial Level D jet experience, and has worked in a number of other commercial airline roles.

Don't do it, it's just not necessary and all the cabin crew are doing is going to roll their eyes at you.

Would Brown release the Captain's Medical Kit to somebody who claims to be a Paramedic? Um, no.

 

[bigbaldguy]

and all the cabin crew are doing is going to roll their eyes at you.

Yes but to be fair as flight attendants we pretty much roll our eyes at everything that's just kind of our thing.

New policy on at least one US carrier is we can release the EMK (emergency medical kit) to anyone qualified at the EMT-B level and up during an onboard medical emergency. Previously kit could only be opened by MD or DO unless ground based medical control gave the ok. I do not personally like the new change. Our procedure is to check credentials then let em open the kit even if medical control can't be reached.