Am I over protective/over reacting?

[VelvetyOne]

Hi Everyone;

Quick history: I come from a successful medical family and have held that pride throughout my life as I journeyed into LPN - but didn't finish for several reasons, a regret I have EVERY day of my life. I have lived a clean life and am very proud of the reputation I have built. I believe in doing things right, morales and strong ethics and learning from my mistakes the first time.

Situation at Hand: My son (almost 19) is currently enrolled in EMT-B and is performing exceptionally well (17 page homework on first night of class, submitted in 4 days and pulled 100%). He is a great kid - pulled GPA 3.5 and 3.75 in Senior year. Compassionate, caring, etc., but I am struggling in trying to have him understand that there are aspects of his life that MUST go away in order for him to build a reputation to be a respected EMT. He is hanging around with friends that have lifestyles I don't approve of (whether he was going to be an EMT or not, I don't approve). One is addicted to prescription pain meds, smokes dope, working part time because of the drug habits..all at the age of 20! Another smokes dope, underage drinking, etc. Another is schizophrenic and smokes dope to manage that (yeah....right!). The list goes on. Girls? don't even get me started on those choices. He is not involved in the drugs, but I don't even want him associating with it.

Really? Will an ambulance service REALLY think you're the guy to put within a matter of feet with access to drugs when you have friends strung out on stuff? My answer is NO! No way in hell, I wouldn't hire him! Even though he won't be administering them, the access is there.

I am on the edge of something that just doesn't feel right. I don't drink, but am considering starting (kidding) - the stress is becoming overwhelming for me - I have chest pain more often than not. I believe in ironing your uniform, shining your boots, living a life that respects the job and the family of EMS personnel, respecting yourself enough to make good choices. I have told him that you are judged by the company you keep and he just doesn't seem to get it.

Am I over protective or over reacting to the friends situation and his lifestyle choices?

Thanks!

VO

 

[mycrofft]

He's going to go his own way and probably the harder you push the harder he will strive to maintain his autonomy by acting out.

Probably he will do fine, and it will take something on his record to sink his employment as long as he can interview OK and get along. They will not know about his activities unless he has bad tags on Facebook etc.

Many folks get fired from their first jobs, anyway. Keep loving him and realize you laid his keel long ago, and now he needs to take his "shakedown cruise".

 

[JPINFV]

I've never had an interviewer, EMS or otherwise, ask about my friends.

 

[Jon]

I concur with JPINFV, to a degree.

He's gonna need to be able to pee clean for a drug test. Depending on what sort of exposure he's having to his buddies, erm... 'herbal remedies' that might be a problem.

Friends are friends. He'll probably fight you tooth and nail if you push - but if he gets a "real job" or goes to college, he'll likely drift away from these folks on his own.

 

[VelvetyOne]

Overprotective...

Thanks everyone for your advice. I do see slow progress of him backing away from the friends, but he's deeply loyal (which I understand, but not in sacrifice of a career).

I have spoken to him about his facebook - it's pretty clean, with the exception of a few f-bombs, etc. - but I think we all lay those down once in a while.

Drug testing, not worried about as far as direct ingestion/inhalation goes, but I did NOT think about second hand effects. I would prefer he not be around it at all - but I agree, seems like the harder I push - the stronger the draw. He is going to college at this point.

Is he really even mature enough to go into this field right now? I have questioned that many times. At one point, yes - he is very grown up and responsible, and at other times - he's 'hanging' with the high school girls or 'chillin' with the dope smokers. UGH! I am so frustrated I can't even describe it. I am against drugs, period - and he knows this. There's no positives that come out of that and he was raised knowing that. Two uncles that are addicts and an aunt that's an alcoholic, cousins, nephews, etc. that are all involved in it. Maybe that's why I am such a hard *** on it and have no place for it in life (mine or his).

If he has one of his dope smoking, pill popping friends in his car and they have stuff on them, he's going to get tagged too. He just doesn't seem to 'get it'....

Again...the appreciation is so very very heartfelt to those who are reading and replying. I respect what each and every one of you do, every day - it takes a very special person to be in this field and the spouses that go with you. My son didn't choose this profession, I believe the profession chose him - he just needs to step up to the plate and be the man that he is underneath the 'Coolio Julio' attitude.

 

[fast65]

Let me start by saying that I'm far from a parent at the age of 21, so I can only give an opinion based on what my parents went through with my brother. That being said if you've done everything within your power to "show him the way", then he just might have to find it on his own. The more you push him away from his friends, the more he is likely to rebel and grow closer to them. As much as it sucks...it seems that talking to him about it is just not working, so perhaps he just needs to make some mistakes as a result of the company he keeps, and learn that way.

 

[VelvetyOne]

Push, stop, push, stop!

This experience has made me relive childbirth. Damn.
I want to push, but then stop...then push...then stop. Now I just need to sit back and breath and let it happen.

I haven't so much pushed him away from his friends, more like subtle hinting and trying to use some life lessons of other friends and family members that have lost alot due to bad choices and judgement.

But, yes - I know what you're saying F65. And I've made a promise to myself as of now. I have to allow him to 'see' the consequences of his choices and actions. He knows better. What he chooses to do with that knowledge is something he is going to have to figure out. I just hope to God it doesn't kill his career - but - that may also be a lesson learned. He gets one shot at parent funded college - if he blows it, the next time is on his wallet.

The part that just blows my mind is that he is so much above his friends in education already (with just graduation and GPA, EMR class, etc.). They are jealous and try to bring him down every chance they get...and he is choosing to either let them or not. Maybe tomorrow he'll wake up and smell the coffee...or better yet, smell the exhaust fumes of an ambulance and get REAL hungry for it.

VO

 

[fast65]

The part that just blows my mind is that he is so much above his friends in education already (with just graduation and GPA, EMR class, etc.). They are jealous and try to bring him down every chance they get...and he is choosing to either let them or not. Maybe tomorrow he'll wake up and smell the coffee...or better yet, smell the exhaust fumes of an ambulance and get REAL hungry for it.

VO

That is the truly mind blowing part, and it's similar to my brother, he got great grades and had a job he loved, then he got involved with the wrong people and things went to hell, thrn it took awhile to rebuild things after that. It's weird how much "friends" can change a person, I just hope your son realizes the bad choices his friends are making and decides that he's better than that before it's too late. Best of luck to you.

 

[VelvetyOne]

oh crap, here comes the rollercoaster!

Yesterday, I was all prepared to back away and just let things happen. Today...I am on the rollercoaster of saying "NO, if I have to intervene in this - it's what I have to do." I realize that he needs the space, he's almost 19, but as long as he is living under my roof, cruising through life on my dime, on my insurance, me paying for college, car insurance, gas - then I get to push that he is successful in college and graduates at the top of his game.

I warned him in December when he passed his EMR that he wasn't going to like me very much from Jan. to May until he grads - I am not his best friend, I'm his Mom and I need to continue to do that without trying to control his every move. I don't want to do that - I just need to be able to guide him with advice as far as friends go. But I will push when it comes to studying, etc.

The problem I am facing too is that he is totally school focused when he's had a day away from the friends, but when he's 'chillin' with them, they make comments about school being 'gay' and 'a waste of time' etc...and he seems to think he has to agree to 'fit in.' What he's not seeing is, yeah - to his friends, education is a waste of time, that's why they aren't doing it!!! it's so much easier to work part-time and smoke dope than actually be a productive member of society. He is amped right up when he comes home from class, anxious to get working on homework - has a light in his eyes that tells me he is truly where he belongs. Then the friends open their traps, and down he comes.

It's like I am struggling with two different persona's - he is one person around his friends, and he's my normal - great son around family and our friends. He needs to get out of 'high school' mode, and that's where his friends are stuck at and will be for a long, long time.

SOMEONE GET ME OFF THIS ROLLERCOASTER! hahahahaa. Mom's havin a hell of a ride and it's NOT in the back of an ambulance...YET.

 

[Handsome Robb]

You sound exactly like my mother. I was your kid 3 years ago. Sounds like a mirror image I still know people who don't exactly walk on the straight and narrow, when they do their thing I'm not around, they don't ride in my car if they are carrying things. It took me getting into trouble to finally "get it".

With that said, I'm gainfully employed as an EMT-Intermediate and almost finished with paramedic school with a medic job lined up after school.

Like everyone has said, the harder you push the harder he will push back. Believe me, it's true, I did it.

I know at 19 personally wasn't mature enough to work on a 911 unit, but everyone is different.

 

[abckidsmom]

Keep loving him and realize you laid his keel long ago, and now he needs to take his "shakedown cruise".

I've never heard this one before, I love it!

 

[firetender]

You have a financial and emotional investment in the kid, not to mention that umbilical cord thing, so yeah. I hear your frustration.

AND, the kid is 19 and part of his job now is to make mistakes and hopefully learn from them. EMS is a "have to" sort of thing for most (nothing else will suffice) and the best you can do is pray it means enough to him to limit his exposure to negative influences.

You already know how well imposing your value system on him will go over, so for right now, the only perspon getting nutz about this is you; take care of yourself by letting go of the things you have no control over.

...unless, of course, you're ready to kick him out of the house. If you really know for sure he's using drugs in your house then you have that right.

Or, you could figure out ways to reinforce his positive behaviors. Hey, we'll all tell you, for all its limitations EMS is an honorable thing to do, so focusing on that and being supportive of choices he makes around that could be life-changing for you both.

 

[titmouse]

It is gonna be his choice to start separating himself from those people. I am 28 years old and I have done my share of stupid stuff (partying, drinking obscene amounts, etc) about his age into my mid twenties. Now I no longer associate with those people nor do I stay in touch with them. I came to the conclusion that all of those things that I have done in the earlier years made me the person that I am today. Having done those things is better that doing it now. I no longer smoke weed, drink only good beer once a week, do not party the way I used to and go to sleep by midnight haha. Bottom line because of the past I am more focused. It will be his choice once he gets tired of it, and believe me it will happen.

 

[VelvetyOne]

Good signs Friday nite..

I am happy to report that my son worked his shift at this part time job and was home 30 mins later. Started studying 30 mins after that and he just put the books down at 11:30 tonight!!! He worked 9 am to 3 pm, so he's basically been studying from 4 pm - 6 pm breaking for supper and then again from 7 to 11:30. Wow, impressive

Firetender, I do want to clear something up though. He is not using drugs - at all - just hanging around his best friends who are involved in that. Sorry if something I said earlier caused the wrong impression.

So, all in all - tonight was more motivated than last week. His friend asked him to hang out tonight and my son said no - he needed to study and informed him that this is what he would be doing all weekend (test coming on Monday).

Maybe the big Kahuna is watching over me, because I sure as hell feel like a miracle just slapped me in the back of my head. Yup....just checked and he did, I have the headache to prove it!

VO

 

[VelvetyOne]

On To Nationals

To all those who understandingly read my situation, advised me and coached me along - just want to let you know that my son passed his class in the top end, came out of his class with an incredible average, has class instructor recommendation for paramedic school, has been invited to do ride alongs with the other instructor who is a FD engineer and paramedic, AND...is writing his national in 10 days.

He's walked from those that could and would have hurt him. He's hanging with EMT buddies from class and is focused straight and head strong into his EMS career.

Thank you....for all the words of encouragement and advice. He's finished strong, proud and an EMT.

VO

 

[fast65]

Congratulations to your son, I'm glad to hear that everything worked out well!

 

[CANDawg]

Who knows, maybe his thinking is that by going into this field he might be able to help them some way. I had a friend in high school that used to have a number of friends with drug issues, and would even go out of her way to get to know people she found struggling with addictions.

She ended up going to school to become a drug counsellor, and last time we talked, had even been able to help a couple of her high school friends overcome their addictions.

You obviously trust your son. Help him understand the impact these people can have on his career, but also encourage him that if he can and wants to help in some way, he should.

EDIT: Just read your update. That's great to hear! Congratulations to your son!

 

[firetender]

Good work, Mom!

Your son's turnaround speaks well of you.

 

[EMT John]

It comes down to the morals and ethics you have taught him. My Best friend since 2nd grade till now is a druggy. I would do anything for him as he would for me. He respects me and my career enough to #1 not smoke around me, #2 not be in possession of anything around me, #3 never ask something of me that will jeopardize my family and career.
So if you trust your son that much and want him to learn for himself he needs to figure out if these so called friends are true friends. It's all about desitions you make. If he desides to burn his rep and crareer by giving someone drugs at a young age now then who to say he's not going to make another stupid desition later in life in a pinch.

Just lay out the consaquinces for him and let him make his own fate.

 

[VelvetyOne]

He's worked Hard...and learned lessons.

Thanks for the vote of confidence that maybe I played a little part in this. He has also been unintentionally groomed for medical, even though I didn't realize this is what i was doing as i taught him respect people and their feelings, no matter how trivial, they are still their feelings, don't hurt other people. etc. he is so pumped to get riding and has walked away from the drugs and booze. He's told his friends 'i've worked too hard too long to get to where i am and I'm not letting you guys destroy it for a rush of weed. Nope. When it goes down, EMT's will be there to pick their *** up....his friends are quite jealous of him though hehehehehee. a REAL woman cannot resist a man in uniform.... :O)